4 Easy Steps to a Relationship Reset
Sometimes it feels like my clients are all talking to each other, because they seem to come to me with similar, if not the same, subject matter of their lives they want to improve. Seriously, this week alone I've had four very similar conversations with my people.
This week, it's been everything relationships.
What do you do or how do you act when your partner is irritating you?
Or when you feel a lack of love?
Or when you're fighting all the time?
Or when it feels like you're just not on the same page with each other?
Here are a few steps for a relationship reset.
Step 1: What is the story you're telling?
These discussions always begin in the same place: telling the story of how the partner is, what habits they demonstrate and what they usually do in situations or arguments.
This is an important realization to make, because most of us are spending time and energy telling the stories of our lives the way they are, not necessarily how we want them to be.
So, think about how you talk about your partner. Do you say things like, "He/She always ____." or "We never _____." or "I'm always the one who has to _____."
The story is equal to your set beliefs about this person. Your beliefs are just habits; patterns of thoughts that you allow to keep going and going and going. Nothing more. You believe the things you talk and think about the most. So, you may be believing something about your partner that's not necessarily true all of the time, but because it's the energy you are giving off about them, that's how they show up for you in your life.
Other people may find the same person completely charming and irresistible: that's only because they think of them consistently in that way.
Step 2: What do you want?
Now that you have recognized what your beliefs and thoughts are mostly about this person, spend some time thinking about what you want, not just what you're observing. Resist the urge to say things like, "I want this, but..." and just keep your focus on what you want, like shooting an arrow at a target.
For example: I want great communication. I want to have fun with each other. I want to feel respected. I want to enjoy being together. I want to admire this person. I want to have glowing conversation. I want to resolve issues smoothly. I want to feel loved. I want to love them. I want to be kind.
Now, as you go through life together, consistently think about what you want in any given situation. Let your mind wander always to these thoughts of what you want and how you want to feel and see how your communication changes and how things seem to fall into place more easily when this is your focus instead of what's wrong.
You may be thinking, I am doing that, I am thinking about what I want. And this may be true. But, if what you are thinking is paired with resentment or anger or bitterness, then it's counterproductive. You may think you are genuinely feeling the eagerness inside of you to have great communication, but instead you are silently listing all the times when you didn't have that, or thinking, "yeah, that's never gonna happen!" These thoughts bring doubt and fear into the equation and we want to avoid that at all costs. Try your best to really focus on how you want things to be and you'll find that those pure thoughts feel really good when you think them. That is the distinction.
Step 3: Emotional Association
As you go through life, you are constantly experiencing waves of different emotions and you may or may not be aware of them. Sometimes it feels like emotions sneak up on you and then suddenly, you're crying! The momentum of emotions can pick up pretty fast. So, if you're not paying attention to how you feel or checking in with yourself (this can take no time at all, even a second will do) then you may find yourself being a victim of your emotions.
This is important to know because you may have picked up some negative emotions about your partner along your life's journey, and now you begin to associate those feelings with them in that certain way.
For example, the highest place you can go with your emotions is Love, Freedom, Knowledge, Appreciation and Joy (according to my favorite, Abraham Hicks). One client said recently, "That feels daunting to apply these to my partner."
If you feel the same way; if you can look at those words and it feels far away from what you normally feel about your partner, then you know your baseline with them is on a different, most likely lower, level.
Now, if your baseline of emotions regarding your partner is Irritation, Anger, Annoyance, Boredom, Resentment, or anything like those feelings, then that is what you will continue to receive from them. Your emotional baseline matches what you receive in life, about anything.
This doesn’t have to mean you go in and discuss these issues together or you “fix” what’s wrong. Very simply, you can just raise your emotional set point to better-feeling emotions and then be delighted by what comes of it.
I would never recommend this if it didn’t absolutely work wonders in my life and in my clients’ lives!
Step 4: Putting it Into Practice
An easy way to practice this is to look again at what you want in the relationship and find some emotional words to describe it. Happiness, Connection, Discovery, Fun, Ease - things like that. Now, try to think about your partner and feel those emotions, for two minutes a day. Stop when it feels like effort or work. That’s it.
We’re just trying to change our reactionary emotions and beliefs about our partner from bad to good. This will make you happier, help you find ease in your discussions and keep your focus pointed more towards what you want, and because of that you will be led to improvements and right timing and clearer communication!
Several clients, after I suggested this, have remarked, “Why do I have to do the work? Why do I have to be the one to get happy?”
When I point it out clearly, they almost always see the absurdity in that statement! If getting happy seems like too high of a price to pay, well then…don't? *shrug*
Lovely person reading this, I want you to be happier in your life. That’s what you truly want in this deep down and what you want for yourself regarding everything in your life. I can make a solemn vow to you that when you get happy, everything seems to fall into place. You feel better, things work out, you don’t sweat the small stuff, you are excited by life and when problems arise you handle them with zest and strength as opposed to fear and dread.
Try this exercise with your partner and see what happens. When you raise your emotional vibration in a pure, genuine way with regard to them, they will match that. They will begin to respond to you in ways that you want. They will start to behave better - not because you need them to in order to be happy (this is huge), but because when you are happy already, everything in your life has the ability to match that.